I’m working on facing my fears. I’ve lots of them.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. – Bene Gesserit Litany against fear – Dune

I went to see my mom last month, and since then time has gotten away from me. Today, several people commented on how tired I look. When I hear that, I become afraid. I do not want to be tired, but I’ve been tired for months.

When people ask me how my mom is doing, I tell them, “good, today”. It’s an honest answer. She could live another day, she could live another thousand days. It’s easier than confronting the fact that being stable, having a good day, is about as good as it’s going to get. She’s never going to get “better”. I can accept “good”. I am afraid of “worse”, because I don’t know what I’m going to do if she gets worse.

I’m in limbo, which for me is terrible. I realized the other day that I’m afraid to do anything for myself. I’m afraid of just living my life because I know that at any moment, everything can just go sideways. Coasting, holding pattern, treading water – these are all descriptions of what I feel like I’m doing – or rather, point to the fact that I am not doing. Well, not for myself anyway.

It’s not easy, and I’m struggling sometimes. I’m afraid of admitting that. Balancing my mother’s needs with my own is less balance and more trying to keep my own needs from being completely neglected. While her needs have moved to a more “administrative” nature (i.e., making sure all her bills are paid on time), there’s still the feeling that I should be doing more, that I need to have a plan for what I haven’t yet imagined will come. There is the fear that no matter what I do, it will not be enough.

As for myself, I guess I’m admitting my problem, right? Something something half the battle?