fear

We did this to ourselves

/ C.B. Kent / Leave a comment

The thing of it is, we created this mess.

It’s easy to blame, villainize, point fingers and condemn. We’ve taken sides, and we all know our side is the right one, in our heart-of-hearts we know.

Like many of you (ok, none – I know I’m writing this purely for my own amusement and no one is actually reading this blather but me), I’m sitting here in my bubble, hidden away from society behind a keyboard which gives me safety and anonymity to spew forth whatever drivel I choose. Lies, truths, it doesn’t matter. No one is going to hold me accountable. No one cares. And that’s how we’ve gotten here. We just don’t care about one another. We sort of co-exist but it’s not a community, and it’s certainly not the kind of existence that fosters growth and understanding. We are all alien to one another, strange and indifferent, and it’s because we do not have to actually interact with one another in any meaningful way. We share that we are human, but, maybe that’s being generous. We are homo sapiens who happen to occupy the same piece of rock out of the some-quantity-larger-than-the-largest-number-I-can-comprehend of rocks there are in what we casually call “space”. We have taken something unique, wonderful, and maybe even somewhat miraculous, and turned our existence, our humanity, into something quite trivial.

We are heading toward extinction.

Okay, maybe I’m being melodramatic. It’s hard to look out of the bubble and not see the hate, the hate-breeding, the awfulness of our human nature, and still be hopeful. It is painful to know that we are allowing our “have vs have-not” culture to take over and continue to sow discontent among us. It is painful to see how we are destroying one another instead of working harder to build each other up. It shouldn’t be about me winning and you losing; it should be about me winning and ALSO you winning, and maybe you even come out ahead of me. Imagine that, me putting you first, or better, by putting you first I, too, stand to gain?

Isn’t that what loving thy neighbor is about?

We seem to have forgotten what it is to be a neighbor, not just in the “my house is next to your house separated by a fence” way. Being a neighbor is being mindful and aware that you are NOT the only person around and you HAVE to co-exist with other people, not just the ones immediately next to you but ALL of them. You are my neighbor in the grocery store, in the mall, six states away, six countries away. You are only a stranger when I choose to see you that way. 

Co-existing, loving your neighbor, or not, all of this is a choice. And this is why I am terrified of where we are and why I am struggling to see a way forward. We got ourselves here and we desperately need to find a way out.

Resolve

/ C.B. Kent / Leave a comment

Resolve (verb): decide firmly on a course of action
Resolve (noun): firm determination to do something

I had the best of intentions when I started this blog. I was going to post resolutely, frequently, I was going to organize my thoughts in a meaningful manner and then share them with the world. This blog had a purpose, hence its name.

Here’s the awful truth: I seem to have…misplaced…my resolve. Over the course of the last several months, I went from “fiercely determined” to “abjectly silent”. It has been difficult, here in the ether as well as in the flesh, to speak. I feel like my words are falling into a hole in my stomach, each word weighing several pounds, and every day I sink deeper and deeper towards the ground.

So where does that leave us, reader? I have made no New Years resolutions yet I am resolved to not give up. I’ve not yet hit bottom even though I can reach out and touch it if I wanted to. For those of you who care about such things, I’ve an appointment with a therapist next week.

Fear

/ C.B. Kent / Leave a comment

I’m working on facing my fears. I’ve lots of them.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. – Bene Gesserit Litany against fear – Dune

I went to see my mom last month, and since then time has gotten away from me. Today, several people commented on how tired I look. When I hear that, I become afraid. I do not want to be tired, but I’ve been tired for months.

When people ask me how my mom is doing, I tell them, “good, today”. It’s an honest answer. She could live another day, she could live another thousand days. It’s easier than confronting the fact that being stable, having a good day, is about as good as it’s going to get. She’s never going to get “better”. I can accept “good”. I am afraid of “worse”, because I don’t know what I’m going to do if she gets worse.

I’m in limbo, which for me is terrible. I realized the other day that I’m afraid to do anything for myself. I’m afraid of just living my life because I know that at any moment, everything can just go sideways. Coasting, holding pattern, treading water – these are all descriptions of what I feel like I’m doing – or rather, point to the fact that I am not doing. Well, not for myself anyway.

It’s not easy, and I’m struggling sometimes. I’m afraid of admitting that. Balancing my mother’s needs with my own is less balance and more trying to keep my own needs from being completely neglected. While her needs have moved to a more “administrative” nature (i.e., making sure all her bills are paid on time), there’s still the feeling that I should be doing more, that I need to have a plan for what I haven’t yet imagined will come. There is the fear that no matter what I do, it will not be enough.

As for myself, I guess I’m admitting my problem, right? Something something half the battle?